这是一篇应该发布于11点11分的推送。

来源:轻松调频EZFM

作为一名当代青年,小编我总是喜欢给平淡无奇的日子找点乐趣,让生活有那么点仪式感。

翻了翻日历——11·11。

可是,没钱没对象的我,该怎么办……

书中自有黄金屋

书中自有颜如玉

啊哈!

满腹经纶的Uncle Ting还真有篇应景美文推荐给我们,

一起来学习一下吧!

图片来源:视觉中国

        查尔斯·兰姆生活在18、19世纪之交,当时全欧的最大政治事件是法国革命。兰姆在早年和其他英国热血青年一样,受法国革命影响,结交了一批思想激进的朋友,一同著文办刊,向反动保守势力斗争,同时也受对方攻击。但滑铁卢一战,拿破仑失败,欧洲形势大变,兰姆的朋友们也走向分化。在这种形势下,兰姆写文章只谈日常琐事了。

        兰姆终生未婚,眼见已婚夫妇不加掩饰地卿卿我我,心中不免戚戚然。但是他进而抱怨情不我属,自生暗气,似乎就有点不着调了。其实这是兰姆故意为之,以轻讽之笔疏解不平之气,写作也可以疗伤。而文中有关一夫一妻制的表述,更是透露出一种无厘头式的幽默,这便是本文的风格。

图片来源:视觉中国

A Bachelor’s Complaint of the Behavior of Married People

Charles Lamb

As a single man, I have spent a good deal of my time in noting down the infirmities of Married People, to console myself for those superior pleasures, which they tell me I have lost by remaining as I am.

I cannot say that the quarrels of men and their wives ever made any great impression upon me, or had much tendency to strengthen me in those anti-social resolutions, which I took up long ago upon more substantial considerations. What oftenest offends me at the houses of married persons where I visit, is an error of quite a different description; — it is that they are too loving.

Not too loving neither: that does not explain my meaning. Besides, why should that offend me? The very act of separating themselves from the rest of the world, to have the fuller enjoyment of each other’s society, implies that they prefer one another to all the world.

But what I complain of is, that they carry this preference so undisguisedly, they perk it up in the faces of us single people so shamelessly, you cannot be in their company a moment without being made to feel, by some indirect hint or open avowal, that you are not the object of this preference. Now there are some things which give no offence, while implied or taken for granted merely; but expressed, there is much offence in them. If a man were to accost the first homely-featured or plain-dressed young woman of his acquaintance, and tell her bluntly, that she was not handsome or rich enough for him, and he could not marry her, he would deserve to be kicked for his ill manners; yet no less is implied in the fact, that having access and opportunity of putting the question to her, he has never yet thought fit to do it. The young woman understands this as clearly as if it were put into words; but no reasonable young woman would think of making this the ground of a quarrel. Just as little right have a married couple to tell me by speeches, and looks that are scarce less plain than speeches, that I am not the happy man — the lady’s choice. It is enough that I know I am not: I do not want this perpetual reminding.

The display of superior knowledge or riches may be made sufficiently mortifying; but these admit of a palliative. The knowledge which is brought out to insult me, may accidentally improve me; and in the rich man’s houses and pictures — his parks and gardens, I have a temporary usufruct at least. But the display of married happiness has none of these palliatives: it is throughout pure, unrecompensed, unqualified insult.

Marriage by its best title is a monopoly, and not of the least invidious sort. It is the cunning of most possessors of any exclusive privilege to keep their advantage as much out of sight as possible, that their less favoured neighbours, seeing little of the benefit, may the less be disposed to question the right. But these married monopolists thrust the most obnoxious part of their patent into our faces.

Nothing is to me more distasteful than that entire complacency and satisfaction which beam in the countenances of a new-married couple, in that of the lady particularly: it tells you, that her lot is disposed of in this world: that you can have no hopes of her. It is true, I have none; nor wishes either, perhaps: but this is one of those truths which ought, as I said before, to be taken for granted, not expressed.

图片来源:视觉中国

一个单身汉对于已婚男女言行无状之哀诉

查尔斯·兰姆 (刘炳善译)

我,身为光棍汉,曾经花了不少工夫记录下那些已婚男女的毛病,为的是看一看他们所说的我由于坚持独身而失去的至高无上的快乐到底是怎么一回事——这,对我来说,也是一种安慰。

 

我的意思并不是说,夫妻反目、吵吵闹闹给我留下了多么深刻的印象,加强了我孑然一身、独来独往的决心;因为这种态度乃是我在很久以前出于实质性的考虑早就采取了的。到结了婚的人家去串门儿,常惹我生气的倒是另一种相反的过错——就是说,他们夫妻之间感情太好。

 

要说我是为了他们感情太好而生气嘛——这还不能把我的意思说清楚。况且,人家两口感情好,招惹我什么?他们既然自愿离开人群,充分享受伉俪之乐,就表明人家把两个人卿卿我我泡在一起看得比全世界都更重要。

 

我抱怨的是:他们总把这种燕婉私情不加掩饰地摆到表面上来,不害臊地在我们单身汉面前炫耀卖弄;你一来到他们中间,马上就会从他们的间接暗示或者公开声明当中得到启发:他们之间的感情,你是没有份儿的。本来嘛,有些事不必明说,谁也不会见怪;挑明了,倒惹人讨厌。假如一个人碰见他认识的一位容貌不美、衣着朴素的姑娘,马上向人家贸贸然声明:因为她既不漂亮,钱也不多,所以没法儿娶她;那么,为了这个人的无礼,该拿脚踢他。不过,既有机会见面,又能提出婚姻之事,却从不觉得有必要一试,这本身也就把意思暗示出来了。不说出来,人家照样明白,明理的姑娘也绝不会为此大闹一场。同样,一对夫妇也没有权利用语言以及跟语言差不多一样清楚的表示向我通知:我不是那位太太的意中人,不是她所选择的配偶。我知道我不是,这就完了;用不着别人对我没完没了地提醒。

 

夸耀自己在知识上、财产上的优越,已经够叫人生气——不过,这些总还带有一定的缓和条件。向我卖弄的知识,也许能使我增广见闻;阔人家的宅院、图画、园囿、花圃,我至少还能享受一点儿暂时使用之权。但是,人家向我夸耀结婚的幸福,对我可就一点儿好处也没有了——它从头到底纯粹是无报偿、无条件的侮辱。

 

婚姻,究极说来,乃是一种垄断,而且还是一种容易招人妒忌的垄断。凡是独占了什么特权的人,多半都很滑头,他们尽量不让那些没有他们幸运的邻居们看见他们捞到手的好处,这样也就不致引起人们对于他们的权利产生怀疑。然而,这些垄断了结婚权利的人,却把他们那特权之中最最惹人反感之处偏偏摆到咱们眼前来。

 

最叫我感到不是滋味儿的,莫过于在一对新婚夫妇脸上流露出的那种十分得意、完全满足的神气——女方的脸上尤其明显。它向你表示说:她的终身已定,你不要再抱什么希望了。诚然,我不该再抱什么希望,就连幻想也不该有。但是,这种事情,像刚才说的,只要彼此心照就行了,根本不必表示出来。

你可以告诉我吗?

其实我一直不是很理解,

11·11明明是成双成对的1,

怎么就成了单身节了呢??